Tomorrow will be day one of cross fit...
The only thing that my mind is telling me when starting something new is that I will be no good at it, and that I will give up, like I eventually always do. This is something I do want to do. Not just for me, but for my husband and my future children.
Fears are natural, but when you suffer from a mental illness that breaks you down every part of your day, fear is taken to a whole new level. I suffer from depression, anxiety and obsesive compulsive disorder. When I obsess about something, it doesn't go away. I have thrown myself into panic attacks thinking of the worst possible scenario in situations. And that is what I am doing to myself now.
I idea of failure is eating away at me, and I don't know how to handle it. I can be told a million times that I will be okay, but that turning in my gut reminds me that I will fail, and I will quit.
I am not longer fighting my struggle with my weight and self image, I am also fighting the chemical imbalances in my head that tell me I will never be good enough at something. I often think about what it would be like to have OCD for something constructive. My therapist said that type of OCD doesn't exist, if i based my OCD on exercise and health, I would most likely be anorexic.
Fear is something I am learning to get over, and hopefully some day I will. Whether or not I fear something doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. I will probably never get over my issues, but I will learn to cope with it in other ways.
I'm done with the depressing post now...
I will update tomorrow if I don't die.
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