Monday, January 9, 2012

Anxiety will be the death of me.....

Tomorrow will be day one of cross fit...
The only thing that my mind is telling me when starting something new is that I will be no good at it, and that I will give up, like I eventually always do. This is something I do want to do. Not just for me, but for my husband and my future children.
Fears are natural, but when you suffer from a mental illness that breaks you down every part of your day, fear is taken to a whole new level. I suffer from depression, anxiety and obsesive compulsive disorder. When I obsess about something, it doesn't go away. I have thrown myself into panic attacks thinking of the worst possible scenario in situations. And that is what I am doing to myself now.
I idea of failure is eating away at me, and I don't know how to handle it. I can be told a million times that I will be okay, but that turning in my gut reminds me that I will fail, and I will quit.
I am not longer fighting my struggle with my weight and self image, I am also fighting the chemical imbalances in my head that tell me I will never be good enough at something. I often think about what it would be like to have OCD for something constructive. My therapist said that type of OCD doesn't exist, if i based my OCD on exercise and health, I would most likely be anorexic.
Fear is something I am learning to get over, and hopefully some day I will. Whether or not I fear something doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. I will probably never get over my issues, but I will learn to cope with it in other ways.

I'm done with the depressing post now...
I will update tomorrow if I don't die.

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