Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A year and a few months later...its all on the line

I have given up hope in the last year regarding everything to do with this blog and health idea. I have always said that when I blog I would not holding anything back, and staying true to myself, and I am putting it all on the line. And what I am about to type, I think I have only told a few people, and barley have started to admit to myself.

We will start from the beginning. (This may not all relate to weight loss, but it will give you an idea of the mindset I have been in, and will be working through.)

Shortly after I was married, I was on cloud nine thinking that I could take on the world and everything it brought at me. All of my past struggles were going to be kicked aside and I was going to become a new person. I had my new wonderful husband by my side, and I was ready to kick society in that shit eating grin that it has looked at me with for so long. I started to get things in order, going to the gym and getting healthier being my top priority.
Around August of 2010 I started to become depressed and my anxiety was slowing eating away at my strive and motivation. I became very unsure of myself and everything around me. Friends that have always been there for me because enemies in my head. I thought as if they were always judging me, thinking something was wrong with me. I had nights where I would cry because my cats ignored me. I was on a downward spiral, quick.
By December I was a different person. The depression had eaten away at me so much that I would sit on the couch in a vegetative way, staring at the TV not even sure of what I was watching. There were no more smiles, laughs, my own husband couldn't even help me because I wouldn't let anyone see into how bad it had gotten.
On a night about 2 weeks before Christmas, after a particularly rough day, I was driving home and simply thought to myself, "How easy would it be for me to let go of the wheel and go off the road." When I got home that night I realized that the feeling I had have on the ride home was not the first. That night I told Fonz that I needed to go into therapy.
This past year has been all sorts of ups and downs. I have learned a lot from myself and how to deal with what life throws at me. With 2011 being one of my roughest years thus far, I have gone into 2012 with a mindset of change and a new beginning.
Fonz and I have decided to pursue the gym once more. (Actually, to be fair, Fonz never gave up on the gym.) We are looking to join a gym that is more of a support group and community, that way when I feel like I can't face my insecurities and troubles on my own, I will have a lot of people holding me up saying that I can.

When you read this, you may see me in a different light, and see what my quick wit and laugh isn't the only depth that I have, and I think that I have let people see only that side of me for too long. Like I said in the start of this post, I am holding nothing back including fears, my depression and anxiety, and my accomplishment!

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