Friday, February 17, 2012

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Its been 29 slacking

The last month has been a whirl wind. I have had very low points, and very high points.
I have been struggling with the Paleo diet since day one. It seems as if I am not having it prepared for me, I get to overwhelmed with it. Its easy to say what you are going to eat, but when I am at work, it's much easier to throw a bunch of chips down, and drink a red bull to keep my energy up. Our Crossfit team is starting the paleo challenge in March. For the whole month of March we will only be able to eat COMPLETELY Paleo. I have an exception to this, because Fonz and I will be heading to Milwaukee for 4 days for my birthday.
So I am going to explain some of my lows and highs from the past month.

I had an anxiety attack over this, literally. Crying, hyperventilating, freaking the F out! I have never been a runner. We were asked to run for a WOD and I failed, completely at it. The next day, the WOD had more running, and I felt so defeated from it the day before I didn't go to class. It's embarrassing when you let your anxiety and depression overtake your life. After talking to Fonz later that night, I decided to tuck my tail between my legs and go to the Friday CrossFit. It was very wearing on me. I had to push beside every fear I have had the previous day and tell myself that I was better then that. And after talking to Jason I learned that crossfitters aren't evil. They wont push you to the point where you give up on yourself. (Just to that point right before it :) )
Already Went into this.....
I don't really need to go into detail on this one.
Being Positive::
I'm 50/50 on this one. I can be really excited about this whole life style change, and then on a bad day, I hate everything, everyone, every squat, every stretch.

I have decided that I will be going completely substance free, after coming up on 8 years sober from other substances, I am deciding that I have only substituted addiction, not resolved it. I have been 29 days sober. Its a small milestone but I am happy.
Positive Thinking::
Before when you told me I had to do a squat, I told you that I couldn't do it, and then bitched about it. Then whimpered, then bitched some more, then got half way down and fell over and said I couldn't do it. Then bitched. Now I just bitch a little bit do the squat and move on with my life. (my hatred for squats is slowing move to burpees. I hate burpees.)
Self Modivation::
I am not saying that I am 100%. Not even anywhere close. At all. But I am starting to see myself not giving up as easily as I once would. I'm still working on it though...

Until next time......

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Delayed, but here.

I have gone on hiatus, mostly due to the stomach flu I wonderfully got Wed night that lasted through Saturday! AWESOME!

I didn't go into Cross fit on Thursday or Friday because of that, but I promised myself that I would make it in Monday. And that I did. I am going to break down the next two days for you.

Monday: I woke up dreading going back into CF due to the fact that my legs were just becoming functional and I knew the pain would be back. Fonz and I went to the same class that day. And let me point out something about working out with your spouse, communication is great in a relationship, except for Cross Fit. We don't talk to each other through a workout. It can be distracting. When we both finish out workout, we will saying encouraging things, but not until it is done.
During warm ups, I tried a squat and felt an extremely sharp pain in my hip, and couldn't even do proper stretches. When speaking to another lady in the class, it was figured out that my IT Band on my left leg was too tight, and it needed to be rolled out.
IT Band Roll out = hell on earth. I have had it done by someone once, and I almost puked from the pain. I was given the option of doing it myself for having Jason (Trainer) do it for me. I opted to do it myself. I rolled out for 10 horrible min. Jason pulled me from the WOD that day, and made me row. I rowed 1000+ M.
I felt discouraged after that class. Because I was so out of shape, I was in pain, and the fear came over me. I felt like the person who was babied and left out. Last night as I was talking to Fonz, he encouraged me to move past it, and make up for it in the future. Thursday I am getting a tattoo, that I have promised myself that the moment that it goes onto my skin, that I will change from old Kate, to new Kate. And I did just that!
I woke up in a positive attitude today. I had a wonderful breakfast with my husband, I had a great therapy session, and I saw my mom. Which makes me happy. Then...dun dun dun...Crossfit.
I moment I walked in the door, I remembered my new life motto (Which I will share Thursday.) I stretched, and I warmed up with my favorite thing ever! Squats!!!! If you could hear sarcasm in a blog, it would be there. All I kept repeating in my head was New Kate, New Kate, New Kate. Jason asked me to do 10, I made it to nine, and he asked me to do 10 more. Totaling 19, I hate odd numbers, so I did 20. I made squats my bitch.
We also worked on Max Shoulder Presses today. I started with a 35 pound bar, and ended up maxing at 55 today. I made three attempts at 65, but it just wasn't going to happen. But I am still proud of maxing on 55.
The WOD was Push Jerks and Box Jumps. 21-18-25-12-9. Jason is still modifying my workouts, so my work out was what follows.
Push Jerks 45lb
12 Inch step ups

I felt so proud when I finished. I was partially dying, but happy.

I am taking Wed off because I have to work and then we are going out to dinner for Fonz's birthday.
I will be back Thursday, and I will update then!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Day one: DONE!

Today, after I pulled myself out of bed, I managed to drag myself to CrossFit.

I didn't die.

Everyone was awesome there, and I am so glad that we picked this gym over the others that we looked into. Everyone was extremely welcoming and super encouraging. But I must say, even though I didn't do the workout like everyone else, my trainer, Jason, customized it for me. This is what I did today.
20 pound medicine ball dead lifts
modified burpees
I had to do them reps like the following:

It was a baby workout, but I finished it, and I am really f'in happy about it!
Even though Jason kicked my ass today, I guess you could say it was in the nicest way possible! :)

I am going to go rest my legs, and try not to cry..

Ps. Lunch today was grilled steak with red and green bell peppers, and my snack was vanilla greek yogurt with fresh strawberries and oats!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Anxiety will be the death of me.....

Tomorrow will be day one of cross fit...
The only thing that my mind is telling me when starting something new is that I will be no good at it, and that I will give up, like I eventually always do. This is something I do want to do. Not just for me, but for my husband and my future children.
Fears are natural, but when you suffer from a mental illness that breaks you down every part of your day, fear is taken to a whole new level. I suffer from depression, anxiety and obsesive compulsive disorder. When I obsess about something, it doesn't go away. I have thrown myself into panic attacks thinking of the worst possible scenario in situations. And that is what I am doing to myself now.
I idea of failure is eating away at me, and I don't know how to handle it. I can be told a million times that I will be okay, but that turning in my gut reminds me that I will fail, and I will quit.
I am not longer fighting my struggle with my weight and self image, I am also fighting the chemical imbalances in my head that tell me I will never be good enough at something. I often think about what it would be like to have OCD for something constructive. My therapist said that type of OCD doesn't exist, if i based my OCD on exercise and health, I would most likely be anorexic.
Fear is something I am learning to get over, and hopefully some day I will. Whether or not I fear something doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. I will probably never get over my issues, but I will learn to cope with it in other ways.

I'm done with the depressing post now...
I will update tomorrow if I don't die.

Tomorrow is d-day

Im at work looking up paleo recipes for the week and tomorrow is my first day of cross fit. Sorry for the bad post. Typing this from my iPhone. Won't lie. I am absolutely terrified. Fonz has already gone to two classes and it says it kicks his ass. So it going to destroy mine. But I am ready to get on board with this and start making the change.

Over and out.

Friday, January 6, 2012

and so it begins!

Fonz and I have decided on a cross fit gym that we like. We hoped into at the very end of a class, and got to watch about 5 min. I was terrified. Fonz had a look in his eye like he was a kid in a candy store! After we spoke to the trainer, Jason, I started to feel better about going into this experience. There are all ages and body types doing this work out. I go in on Tuesday to do my trial class. I am probably going to cry and puke.

Along with this workout that we will be doing, we are thinking about starting the paleo diet. Google it up. It looks kind of crazy at first, but when you start to look into the recipes, it seems not to bad.

Tonight I am hosting two friends for what we call the "Hockey Wives Club." We all have celebritys husbands that are blackhawk players. Jamie's being Steve Montador, Michelle's being Sami Lepisto, and mine being Viktor Stalberg. You will probably hear about this more. So anyways..... I have all healthy snacks out, and I will post pictures and the meal plan later. :)

Time to go watch the hawks!!

Ps. Fonzy and Me are meeting Hammer tomorrow! GO TEAM SWEDE!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A year and a few months later...its all on the line

I have given up hope in the last year regarding everything to do with this blog and health idea. I have always said that when I blog I would not holding anything back, and staying true to myself, and I am putting it all on the line. And what I am about to type, I think I have only told a few people, and barley have started to admit to myself.

We will start from the beginning. (This may not all relate to weight loss, but it will give you an idea of the mindset I have been in, and will be working through.)

Shortly after I was married, I was on cloud nine thinking that I could take on the world and everything it brought at me. All of my past struggles were going to be kicked aside and I was going to become a new person. I had my new wonderful husband by my side, and I was ready to kick society in that shit eating grin that it has looked at me with for so long. I started to get things in order, going to the gym and getting healthier being my top priority.
Around August of 2010 I started to become depressed and my anxiety was slowing eating away at my strive and motivation. I became very unsure of myself and everything around me. Friends that have always been there for me because enemies in my head. I thought as if they were always judging me, thinking something was wrong with me. I had nights where I would cry because my cats ignored me. I was on a downward spiral, quick.
By December I was a different person. The depression had eaten away at me so much that I would sit on the couch in a vegetative way, staring at the TV not even sure of what I was watching. There were no more smiles, laughs, my own husband couldn't even help me because I wouldn't let anyone see into how bad it had gotten.
On a night about 2 weeks before Christmas, after a particularly rough day, I was driving home and simply thought to myself, "How easy would it be for me to let go of the wheel and go off the road." When I got home that night I realized that the feeling I had have on the ride home was not the first. That night I told Fonz that I needed to go into therapy.
This past year has been all sorts of ups and downs. I have learned a lot from myself and how to deal with what life throws at me. With 2011 being one of my roughest years thus far, I have gone into 2012 with a mindset of change and a new beginning.
Fonz and I have decided to pursue the gym once more. (Actually, to be fair, Fonz never gave up on the gym.) We are looking to join a gym that is more of a support group and community, that way when I feel like I can't face my insecurities and troubles on my own, I will have a lot of people holding me up saying that I can.

When you read this, you may see me in a different light, and see what my quick wit and laugh isn't the only depth that I have, and I think that I have let people see only that side of me for too long. Like I said in the start of this post, I am holding nothing back including fears, my depression and anxiety, and my accomplishment!